149

149 days.  That's how far I made it into this year before having such a terrible day that only the unfortunate mishaps and bad luck of Clark Griswald could turn my perma-frown upside down.  Not just any Griswald misadventure would do, no I needed Christmas Vacation misadventures to make me laugh.

Let me start off by saying I LOVE CHRISTMAS!  I don't love it for the gifts, no I love it for the family, the get togethers, the twinkling lights and decorations.  The excitement of waitng for Santa for my kids and the coute de gras of my Christmas season is the Christmas Eve family gathering at my grandparent's house.  So whenever I am having a bad day, a really super aweful, terrible bad day...I watch a Christmas movie.

Moving on, My Hooigans were especially high on Hoilday weekend excitement and wear-down yesterday and they were ROTTEN.  Whining and crying for nothing, screaming and yelling and hitting each other....I had had enough! I wasn't going to deal with anymore shenanigans, hijinx or tomfoolery.  I sent everyone outside and turned the hose on and let them spray the shit our of each other.  Then when they were done, I dried them off, sent them up stairs and turned on Clark Griswald.

I love this movie so much and it makes both the Hubs and I laugh.  I use lines from it to defuse hostile situations, eg: Driving home from MI one weekend, a car sped up, past us and then pulled in front of us and immediately applied the brakes.  Causing us and the line of cars behind us to slow down.  Hubs, in road rage, sped up, past them and then did the same thing to them.  Me, feeling a little frightened of a car crash looked at him and said,

"Alright Clark, what are you going to do next?  Pull out under a logging truck?"

Laughter filled the car.  We laughed so hard we slowed down because tears were coming out of our eyes.

"The little lights aren't twinkling Clark" is a phrase commonly used when a light burns out around here.

Last Christmas our tree was too tall, prompting "Do you think there's enough room for the Angel Clark?"

'The Shitter was full" can be heard when you go to use one bathroom, only to find it currently occupied, as you pass back through the house on your way up stairs you inform the others of your predicament

If you haven't figured it out, this movie is a favorite around here.  It always makes me laugh and it always reminds me I need to lighten up.  Not everything can go according to plan, sometimes you just have to push through the shit to see the rainbow...but don't get too crazy while pushing through.

SO!  After I watched Christmas Vacation and had a very un-healthy snack (stress eater) I felt better and ready to deal with the Shenanigans! I let the kids come back down stairs and after being treated to the same over excited, wore down behavior, we hurried up, ate dinner and put kids to bed for the night...and watched Clark again! :)  Today hasn't started out any better, but there is always tonight, and if that fails...tomorrow!

The Importance of Routines....

When you are thinking about having a family, you always hear "It's so important to establish a routine early" or "babies crave routine.." and the ever present "Is her routine steady?"

I HATE ROUTINES!!!!

Let me be clear, I like to have normalcy, and something that never changes, but I also know how to roll with the punches.  I rarely get all bent out of shape if something changes at the drop of a hat, but I'm not a free floating spirit either.  I have moments where I just can't take on more change and I have moments where I'm thinking "WTF" as my Hubs goes into Monster mode because no one is following the "routine"

Here's one way you can be sure to piss me off by breaking a plan or routine;

 I say "Ok, in 10 min we'll be ready to get in the car" after 10 min I say "Ok let's head out" and you say "Just a minute, I've got to get my shoes on, go potty, get something to drink and get cuppies around for the kids..."  I will be pissed!  WTF were you doing the past 10 effing minutes?!?! You weren't changing diapers, or getting shoes and coats on...so WTF were you doing that was so GD important that you didn't get all that shit done in those 10 effing minutes?!?!?!  I cannot stand being late, even if there is no strict arrival time, if I say we're leaving in 10 minutes...WE'RE LEAVING IN 10 EFFING MINUTES!!!


Enough about me, let's talks about Hooligans A, B, and C.

Hooligan A aka Girl A, is a whiner.  She is also Sassy, Bossy and a spoiled rotten brat.  I know, I only have myself to blame, but it's the truth.

Hooligan B aka Boy is a brute.  He has trouble communitcating and we're working on getting him into therapy for it.  He might also have some coping issues, but we're not sure.

Hoolgan C aka Girl B is a feisty boss.  She walks around with her toddler bhudda belly squawking orders at everyone in a language only she can understand...maybe Hooligan B knows it too...jury's still out.

Onto the routine thing....

Hooligan A is pretty good about following any routine you tell her to follow, but she gets pretty mouthy if you try to change it.  She first sasses you about what was supposed to happen, then she whines about it, then she has a temper tantrum only a spoiled princess could muster.  For this reason I have learned to NOT set forth a verbal routine...like leaving in 10min...it irks her too if it doesn't happen.  (She's figured out how to judge time by the "big" hand..smart cookie)

Hooligan B is terrible about routines.  He responds well to food bribes only adding to his brute-ish-ness by giving him more weight and muscle.  Tell him we're leaving in 10 minutes and he's standing at the door in 5 seconds saying "Gooooo Bye Byeeeeee" and twisting the knob trying to get out without shoes and without a coat.  For this reason I have learned to NOT set forth a verbal routine...like leaving in 10min!

Hooligan C is a free spirit.  She does things on her own time and at her own pace.  She only moves on time if you carry her.  Teller her we're leaving in 10 minutes makes her run for cover.  She finds a blanket and hides under it until she thinks the danger of going outside has passed.  Some how she is not an outdoorsy person.  For this reason I've learned to NOT set forth a verbal routine...like leaving in 10 min.

Hubby is a class A procrastinator like me.  We make a terrible pair at getting any where on time.  But if I tell him we're leaving in 10 minutes, he will say "ok" and then sit in the chair and play angry birds or try to finish his program while I get everyone else around.  So when I'm ready to go, he is no where near ready! ARG!  For this reason I have learned TO set forth a verbal routine...like we're leaving in 10min....along with several warning alarms at the 8, 5 and 2 minute marks!

So in conclusion...routine  schmoopine!  Having a routine throughout the day just means that everyday I will be having a coranary because no one is following it but me.  We go at our own pace.  I remind small hooligans of things that others won't tolerate and so they shouldn't do it at home.  In a way, we do have a routine, our routine is no routine! 

Roaring

  Everynight around seven we start the bedtime routine.  Depending on the night this could start with a bath (kids with eczema should not bath everyday), or picking out our pajamas,or if it has been a really bad day, just getting a butt change (for Boy and Girl B) and putting on the jammies that are ontop of the pile.  Eventually we turn on a movie for the kids and say goodnight.

   Lately, I have been enjoying a new ritual with Boy, roaring!  It starts out that I am just watching him zoom a car up and down his leg, then he notices me and...."RAWR!"   I jump back and pretend to scream.  I hide around the corner and peek back into his room and..."RAWR". I love it.  It's MY new routine!  I want to see those big blue eyes light up with excitement when he scares me.  I LOVEto hear the giggle he lets out when he catches me.  And if I don't peek back in, he comes to the gate, leans out and says "Mom Mom, Rawr!".  We do this over and over until he is less enthusiastic about it and then we go lay down on his bed and snuggle.

   When I get up to leave, he grabs me and holds me close to him and says "Nigh nigh mom mom" and then makes the kissy sound indicating that he needs a kiss before I leave.  He holds my hand or arm or foot, whatever he can grab, tight until I pry myself loose and I say "Goodnight Squishy, I love you!" (Yes I call him Squishy, short for Squishy Bear)  and he says again "nigh nigh mom mom", and off I go to my room.  Sometimes he starts crying and I go and get him and bring him in to snuggle with me and the Hubs!

I just love that little boy!

BOHICA!!!

Oh Army, how you chap my bum! Let me count the ways...

      My Hubs has a second job, a love-job, he is an Army Reservist. (DO NOT assume Army Reserve is the same as Army National Guard, there is a difference.  Not only is their name, but they differ in how, when and where they deploy)  On a good day the thought of the Army chaps my bum, on a bad day its more like the Army has me bent over a table.  Today is the table variety of hating the Army. 

      I knew my Hubs was a military man when I met him, but he was out then.  When we were dating he decided to re-enlist, comprimises were made.  He joined the Army reserves and stayed local, I kept dating some one in the military.  Shallow I know, but having anything to do with the military was not high on my list.  Anyway, I knew he was military when we met, when I continued dating him, and when we got married.  Most days I quietly conceal my extreme dislike for how the Army always seems to ruin things for me....most days, today isn't one of those quiet days.

      For almost a year now my Hubs' unit has held drill weekends on the third full weekend of the month.  Its been regular, I have counted on it to stay that way, but this month they changed it and moved it up a weekend.  For those of you without a calendar handy, this means drill weekend is now on MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND!  Not that I was expecting a lavish weekend, we usual go about life as normal, I'd be lucky if Hubs took the hit and let me sleep in BOTH Saturday and Sunday.  Also I'm a little peeved because I am pretty damn sure they'd never move up drill weekend to be on Father's Day weekend, assholes.

                                                           Moving on....

     This year for Mother's Day, about two months ago, I made a Mother's Day purchase for myself.  Something I knew I would love and have been wanting to do.  I registered for the 5k Dirty Girls Mud Run for breast cancer research.  It is the day before Mother's Day and it is 3 fun miles of mud, obsticles and climbing on and over shit.  To me it is a giant big kids play ground!  It's a chance to do all the fun stuff I loved doing as a kid, but society frowns upon grown ups doing that now...unless it supports a cause.  So I paid the $70 registration fee, joined my friend's team, The Manicured Mudders, and was super excited to go play in some mud.  Until today.  Today the Army just ruined my Mother's Day.  Not because the Hubs has Drill, but because the Hubs has drill I no longer have childcare so I can go to my Mud Run.  We moved away from my very large, extended family that in a pinch I could always find someone willing to watch the Hooligans; to the Hubs' very small, immediate family that is a bunch of hard workers and everyone is always busy.  My mother in law is a huge, huge help with the kids during the week when I have school, but weekends are her time and not only to I feel bad for asking, but there are some other complications that make her especially unavailable that weekend.

     I swear, every other drill weekend where nothing special has been planned they operate like clock work.  The minute I plan something that hinges on my Hubs being home...its like they catch a wiff of it and immediately go;

           "Wait a minute! A wife has planned something special, and if her Husband isn't home it will fuck everything up.  Well, we aren't in the business of making things convenient for the spouses and families, we better move up the drill weekend so her plans are foiled and she learns to never plan anything fun on a weekend ever again.  We own them and their free time!"

      An exaduration, I know.  The Army isn't just one person being a dick head, but damn it, that's how I feel when it never fails to fuck up my plans.  Thanks Army for ruining ANOTHER Mother's Day and you owe me $70.

A list of other Mother's Day ruined by the Army,

1) My very first Mother's Day, Hubs deployed to Iraq

2)  My second Mother's Day, Hubs and I have a blow out fight over his non existant actions against certain undesirables in the Army because "It will look bad and I won't get promoted or commendations"---Yep, explain that to your wife who's first mother's day you missed and now for the second she's all jacked up on pregnancy hormones and you're telling her that the Army matters more to you than her...DEATH WISH!

                           After that, we gave up on Mother's Day being special and I honestly don't remember the last two.

Why reading is the best thing EVER!

   Reading, the best thing ever.  Why? Because for x amount of time each day you can be someone else, somewhere else, not the Mommy of three tiny Hooligans.  Hooligans who seem to only live to find out how long it takes to make your eye start twitching every morning (ten minutes, depending on the shenanigans).  For that short time while you're reading, the world around you quiets down (usually because it's nap time) and you can zone out for a while, ignoring the laundry, dishes and vacuum.  You can transport yourself to New Jersey, Louisiana or a post apocolyptic North America (can you guess what I've been reading) where little voices aren't asking you for juice, cookies or to go outside to play in the dirt.  Not that I have anything against playing in dirt, I just don't have any I want them playing in.

   If you're lucky, your Hooligans are small enough that when they ask you to read them a book... you can say "I have that one memorized! Why don't you hold it while I recite it?" and then while they flip through their book, you read aloud from your book!  They never know the difference and then they SUPER love that one book because it changes everytime they ask you to read it...Girl A has caught on, and it's probably best I read from books she will soon be reading herself, but still, I've got another year before Boy catches on and at least 2 with Girl B. 

   It also masks the shows that they love to watch, but you don't.  Yo Gabba Gabba is a perfect example.  It gives me nightmares.  That guy is just weird in body proportions and I don't even know what the little critters are supposed to be, but the hooligans LOVE that stupid show.  The sit so quiet and intent, that I can trim fingers and toes without a fuss!  Yo Gabba Gabba comes on and I fire up the Nook or grab the book I have been reading and beam myself out of a bad situation!  25 min later I am feeling less stressed and the kids are asking for snack!

  "You want to play in the bath for a little bit? Ok, I'll give you as long as it takes me to read one chapter!"  Sitting on the bathroom floor, or on the toilet lid is not the most comfortable place to read, but hey, they get to play and you get to relax!  Sometimes I get to the end of my chapter and ask if they're ready to get out yet, if they answer "no", WOO HOO, I've got another chapter of quiet coming my way!!!

   "You want me to sit by you until you fall asleep?  Can I bring my book?"  You bet your sweet patunia I can bring my book!  They don't want to snuggle (even though they say they do), they just want you to sit on their beds so they can poke at your face or hands or arms while they sing, wiggle their feet or cover their faces until they nod off to sleep.  Girl A asks me to say a word, and them make the sound of each letter in that word while she spells it based off of my letter sounds...we can do that while I use words from my book!

   Another good reason to read, is that it makes the kids want to read.  Requests for reading books at bedtime is up, everyone pretends they're "mommy" and sits and reads a book.  Sometimes Girl A brings me a piece of paper she has folded in half, telling me she wrote a book and asks if I'll read it.  There is nothing written inside except for her, Boy's and Girl B's names.  So I ask her to read it to me and her imagination takes off.  I've been read stories about princesses without shoes, princes who fight horses and anything you can think of.  All because they see mommy reading and want to know what it's all about. :-)

Reading, the best thing EVER!